(To establish the proper context for this blog entry, please read The Meltdown: Decompensating Into A Psychotic Break)
2 Years Ago...
6 weeks after getting on the 4 medications that were combined to bring me back to reality (2 anit-psychotics...Seroquel & Risperidone, 1 anti-anxiety...Ativan, and 1 anti-depressant/anti-anxiety...Zoloft), I began to see the light of day. Most importantly, sleep returned and with this a desire to participate in life. Simultaneously, all the paranoia and delusions fell away. Recovery had begun. But this recovery went through stages.
Stage 1: Dealing with Embarrassment, Shame and Fear of the Unknown.
Working hand in hand with the meds, while still in Ohio, I found a phenomenal psychologist to work with. He was incredibly educated, supportive, encouraging and practical; giving me simple daily tasks to accomplish as hope returned. I attempted to get up early every day, eat breakfast, and do some sort of exercise (be it a light jog or...
My Existential Crisis
Today you’re going to get some of the bad and the ugly of what lead to my breakdown.
For my entire adult life, I had absolutely no real interest in having a child of my own. In fact, the thought of it, made me cringe. Whenever I heard a child cry, it was like nails on a chalk board to me. I remember thinking, I can’t quite understand why anyone would choose that as a life path. My mindset was that as soon have a child, your own life is over as you know it.
I could go on and on but I think you get the extreme resistance I had created in my mind and there was some serious armor around my heart because of it. I was pretty clear on what I wanted in life and it didn’t include children.
Then I met Liz and something in me felt a little differently. But for both of us if it was going to happen, the thought was that it would be a few years down the road. However, as life would have it, 4 months into our relationship (the day after my 47th birthday) we...
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