The Recovery: From Psychosis To Full Functionality

(To establish the proper context for this blog entry, please read The Meltdown: Decompensating Into A Psychotic Break)

2 Years Ago...

6 weeks after getting on the 4 medications that were combined to bring me back to reality (2 anit-psychotics...Seroquel & Risperidone, 1 anti-anxiety...Ativan,  and 1 anti-depressant/anti-anxiety...Zoloft), I began to see the light of day. Most importantly, sleep returned and with this a desire to participate in life. Simultaneously, all the paranoia and delusions fell away. Recovery had begun. But this recovery went through stages. 

Stage 1: Dealing with Embarrassment, Shame and Fear of the Unknown.

Working hand in hand with the meds, while still in Ohio, I found a phenomenal psychologist to work with. He was incredibly educated, supportive, encouraging and practical; giving me simple daily tasks to accomplish as hope returned. I attempted to get up early every day, eat breakfast, and do some sort of exercise (be it a light jog or...

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Moving From Me To We

Uncategorized May 17, 2019

It’s in the moments of decision that our destiny is shaped. I’m pretty sure Anthony Robbins said this. I’m a believer in these wise words. Fate is what happens if we simply move about our lives mindlessly. Yet, if before we “do”, we pause, take a breath and think, “how is what I’m about to choose to do or say going to affect not only my own happiness and peace of mind, but also those around ME?”, WE have the opportunity to shape our reality.


This morning I had that opportunity to choose. I was exhausted when the alarm went off at 4 am, so I fell back asleep and happened to wake up 30 minutes later. Now I knew this was going to affect my morning routine a bit. Based on everything I typically like to do, today I was only going to have 10 minutes to either sit in meditation or do the dishes, which were pretty piled up. My morning meditation is everything to me and often sets the tone for “my day”. So this should be a no...

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You Inspire Me

Uncategorized May 16, 2019

Who inspires me? Who are true champions in my eyes? Those of you who have fallen or been knocked down in life, but choose to rise again. Those who choose to see the goodness in others rather than what’s wrong with them. Those who continue to work on themselves so that they consciously evolve. Those who practice kindness, compassion and empathy. Those who still say please and thank you. Those who still see the beauty of life even amidst the difficulties of the day.

Those who wake-up and say “how can I be of service to others and the planet today?” Those who are willing to acknowledge their “mis-takes” and then learn from them. Those who constantly look for ways to unite rather than divide. Those who look to build-up others rather than break them down. Those who start and end their days with gratitude for simply being alive.


This thing called human life is quite a ride for us all and my goodness, it can be ridiculously tough and harsh at times. Yet I...

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The Meltdown: Decompensating Into A Psychotic Break

Uncategorized May 05, 2019

What follows is a depiction of what it feels like to experience first-hand a full psychotic break. This incident happened in my life about 2 yrs ago now. The last handful of posts described what lead up to it and in my opinion why it happened.

Looking back, the wild part about it, is that I pretty clearly remember almost all of it. There are however, aspects of it that aren’t as vivid to me, a little blurry in retrospect. I will preface this by saying this. Being 2 yrs out and in a very healthy grounded headspace, I am aware that much of what I will describe was 100% in my mind and not real as we know it.

But at the time, in my altered state, it was as real to me as the words I am presently typing. I saw things, heard things, felt things, touched things, smelled things that weren’t actually happening. In short, I lost my mind as I know it and that which I lived through is what I would call hell on earth.

What I will share took place over the span of about 3 months. It...

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My Existential Crisis

My Existential Crisis

Today you’re going to get some of the bad and the ugly of what lead to my breakdown.

For my entire adult life, I had absolutely no real interest in having a child of my own. In fact, the thought of it, made me cringe. Whenever I heard a child cry, it was like nails on a chalk board to me. I remember thinking, I can’t quite understand why anyone would choose that as a life path. My mindset was that as soon have a child, your own life is over as you know it.


I could go on and on but I think you get the extreme resistance I had created in my mind and there was some serious armor around my heart because of it. I was pretty clear on what I wanted in life and it didn’t include children.


Then I met Liz and something in me felt a little differently. But for both of us if it was going to happen, the thought was that it would be a few years down the road. However, as life would have it, 4 months into our relationship (the day after my 47th birthday) we...

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The Making Of A Conscious Dad

Uncategorized Apr 20, 2019

The day my son was born, a dad was born too. And not just any dad, but an awesome dad. I must tell you, this didn’t come easily. In fact, I went kicking and screaming into this role.

There are some men who know they want to be dads. Some might even feel they were born to be fathers. Not me. Every fiber of my being told me I had no real interest in it. When Liz and I found out we were going to have a baby, I lost my sh$t. I fell into a deep depression and was riddled with high anxiety.

So much so that I developed insomnia. And I’m not talking about a few sleepless nights. Were talking 2.5 months of zero, that’s right, ZERO sleep. This led to a full-on psychotic breakdown  Thank All that Is, ever has been and ever will be that I made it back. Because jump forward to today and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that being a father to my son Skye is the greatest thing that has ever happened FOR me in this lifetime.

It’s by far the most important,...

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Hug Meditation Magic

connection magic meditation Feb 20, 2019

It seems these days, in our high-tech, low-touch society the art of a "proper" hug has been lost. More often than not, people see/feel themselves as so separate from others...so disconnected. When they hug, if they hug at all, it is just a cold, almost societally imposed way of greeting each other.

Rather, there can be such a healing force that is passed from loving, caring human touch. It is after all, a transfer of energy from one living being to another...almost an acknowledgment that "I see you"...(to steal a line from Avatar). That is... to see beyond our differences, our separateness and through this "touch" we acknowledge in the other, that at our core, it is from love that we all have come and it is to love that we all shall return.

I recently learned that within the Buddhist faith/tradition there is a practice called "Hug Meditation". When one hugs another, the hug is sustained for a period of 3 full inhales and exhales. During that time, you hold the person close...close...

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Destiny Is Calling

dad destiny fatherhood love Feb 17, 2019

It’s in the moments of decision that our destiny is shaped. I’m pretty sure Anthony Robbins said this. I’m a believer in these wise words. Fate is what happens if we simply move about our lives mindlessly. Yet, if before we “do”, we pause, take a breath and think, “how is what I’m about to choose to do or say going to affect not only my own happiness and peace of mind, but also those around me?”, we have the opportunity to shape our reality.


This morning I had that opportunity to choose. I was exhausted when the alarm went off at 4 am, so I fell back asleep and happened to wake up 30 minutes later. Now I knew this was going to affect my morning routine a bit. Based on everything I typically like to do, today I was only going to have 10 minutes to either sit in meditation or do the dishes, which were pretty piled up. My morning meditation is everything to me and often sets the tone for “my day”. So this should be a no...

Continue Reading...

Music From The Hearts Of Space

meditation music peace Feb 16, 2019

One of the fondest memories I have of my childhood, comes from my bedtime ritual growing up on Hempstead Rd in Toledo, Ohio.

For whatever reason, for most of my life I've been a nervous wreck. Whether it was taking a test in school, trying to summon up the courage to ask a girl out, playing a sporting event or simply going about my day, I couldn't calm my mind.

In fact, my nerves were the reason I quit playing baseball when I was in 5th grade. I was the pitcher for my team but before every game I would get super sick to my stomach and be saddled with anxiety. It got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore and stopped playing. As an aside, pretty sad that I did, because I was pretty darn good. Oh well...

Having said that, there was one thing I did as I was falling asleep at night that soothed my mind and made me feel like it was all going to be ok. My mom would come in and turn on the radio to a program called "Music From The Hearts Of Space".

It was the most calming, relaxing...

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Raising A Son To Be A Gentle Man

dad fatherhood gentle man son Jun 21, 2018

It’s Thursday morning and I just got back from walking the dogs wth Skye strapped to my chest in an Ergo Baby.  I’m sitting here at our home, looking out into the living room. Right across from me, Skye is fast asleep in his Boppy, and our doggies, Faith and Nalu are just behind him sleeping as well. It’s an awesome sight.

As we were out on on our walk, I began to experience what Jack Handey would refer to as “Deep Thoughts”. I got to thinking about what an awesome opportunity I’ve been given. I get to be a father to a son. Never did I imagine that I would have this role in this lifetime, but here it is.

One day this boy will grow to be a man. But what isn’t given is what kind of man he will become. A lot of that will be determined by how he experiences me. Why?

Because as I understand it, most of his personality and core beliefs about life will be formed in his first 5-6 years on the planet.Right now, essentially he is a blank slate,...

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