The Making Of A Conscious Dad

Uncategorized Apr 20, 2019

The day my son was born, a dad was born too. And not just any dad, but an awesome dad. I must tell you, this didn’t come easily. In fact, I went kicking and screaming into this role.

There are some men who know they want to be dads. Some might even feel they were born to be fathers. Not me. Every fiber of my being told me I had no real interest in it. When Liz and I found out we were going to have a baby, I lost my sh$t. I fell into a deep depression and was riddled with high anxiety.

So much so that I developed insomnia. And I’m not talking about a few sleepless nights. Were talking 2.5 months of zero, that’s right, ZERO sleep. This led to a full-on psychotic breakdown  Thank All that Is, ever has been and ever will be that I made it back. Because jump forward to today and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that being a father to my son Skye is the greatest thing that has ever happened FOR me in this lifetime.

It’s by far the most important, challenging, rewarding and fulfilling role I will ever play. And I have to say I rock at it!!! I have come to understand and know that I had to go through hell on earth to allow parts of me to die/burn up in the fires of deep transformational, purifying flames so that I could become that which I was meant to be in this lifetime...a conscious dad who loves his child with his whole heart and soul. Thank you Life for knowing exactly what I needed to be here fully, authentically and whole-heartedly.

 It’s been almost 2 years since I took a deep dive into darkness, experiencing a full-on psychotic break requiring 2 weeks spent in a psych ward and about another 2 months recovering at my sisters home in Ohio. From then until now, I’ve had to do a lot of processing and this is the first time I feel ready to pull back the curtain on the experience. It is my belief that in this human form, we’re all going through “stuff” in some way, shape or form.

My hope is that we can all learn from what I’ll share and perhaps live from a heart space of far greater sympathy and empathy for every living being on this planet. Put simply, it’s about falling but getting back up...over and over again if necessary. It’s about resilience, patience, honesty, authenticity, forgiveness, humility, hardwork, faith, redemption and the power we all have to change.

Over the course of my next handful of posts, what you will read about is as real, authentic and detailed as I can be about every aspect of it and my I share it solely with the intention of hopefully helping others who might be struggling with their own mental health issues or are dealing with a friend or loved one who is.. Topics

I will cover...what brought it on; a look into what living with predominantly negative thoughts can lead to if unchecked (most of these were based in tremendous fear, insecurity, confusion and old self-sabotaging beliefs); exploration into what it looks like and feels like to be truly in a psychotic state; whether to medicate or not; the fallout...dealing with the shame and embarrassment and how to proceed; The power of radical self-forgiveness; the neuroplasticity of our brains; recovery, the path I now walk to stay healthy; and the gifts received from having been to hell and back. 🙏

Before I dive into the full reveal of my life over the past 2 years, I want you to know, you’re gonna get a bit of everything...the good, the bad and the ugly. I promise there will be light, inspiration, and hope but to get there we’re first going to traverse some pretty dark and less than flattering places.

For me to be authentic and honest with you, i feel and know it’s essential to go there because that’s where I was. Also, please understand I don’t feel it’s necessary for everyone to share their “sh&t” publicly to heal. In fact for the majority, I’d say I wouldn’t recommend it. But I feel it’s part of what I’m called to do in this lifetime, so that others may learn.

I’m a work in progress and I know I’m primarily here in human form to consciously evolve and hopefully to help others to do so too. For me, part of that road involves sharing authentically, honestly and sincerely with others where I’ve been in alignment with my higher self and where I wasn’t and what manifests in both scenarios. Because I feel though the circumstances may look different on the surface, we’re all going through inherently the same “stuff”.

So onwards...first downwards then upwards.


The Downwards: so what brought about my descent into what I’ll call hell on earth...experiencing a full psychotic break? On one level, it was very simply INSOMNIA. For 2-2.5 months, I got absolutely ZERO sleep. Almost all the science will say that it doesn’t take much more than 2 weeks before pretty much anyone will start to lose their mind. It’s truly an “f’ing” monster! (A little later I’ll share with you all the dirty details of what started to happen to my mind).

I now know why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture in war scenarios. Sick if you ask me, but that’s an aside. Our brains simply don’t function properly without sleep. So if you struggle with severe insomnia, don’t take it lightly. Talk to a sleep expert or do some reading on it to try to get a handle on it. But typically insomnia is a symptom of or result of something deeper. In my case it was preceded by about a month of severe depression and high-anxiety. What brought this on? An existential crisis.

To Be CONTINUED... (The Existential Crisis)

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